The Anti-Gospel of Jesus Christ

by Miko Bartek

Father Joe was in the kitchen when I got back to the monastery that evening. He was sitting at a work table with a wet rag and a cup of coffee, looking like he needed some rest. I poured a cup for myself. The table was clean and damp.

“What happened today with you?”

I had no idea what had happened. The past couple of days had been strange. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head. I had no words.

“I heard something happened. Give it to me straight.”

Joe had a way of saying things to make me open up. His voice was gruff. But it was a put on.

“What did you hear?”

“I heard you were a klutz.” This was true. Joe was well connected.

“I can’t put the past two days into words. I don’t have a good way to explain what happened.”

“Try.”

Shaking my head slowly from side to side, with eyes closed. “I had a mystical experience.”

This perked us both up. We wound up talking for well over an hour. I told him how I had been hypnotized on Saturday night, by that comedian. Joe said that he was also put under his spell. But he said that his spell ended along with the show. I was still hypnotized on Sunday morning.

Joe had heard about my altar bell kick from somebody. So I told him how I had tripped. But the rest of it I wasn’t able to talk about. All i could say was that it felt like God were testing my faith.

We fell silent for a moment. Then Dan walked into the kitchen. He was looking in the refrigerator for something to snack on. Then Joe spoke to me.

“How do you know that this isn’t the devil? … Why would God be testing you now? The devil has every reason to test your faith. In a week you will be ordained. The forces of darkness want to prevent this from happening.”

“This didn’t feel like the devil,” I protested.

Joe blinked his eyes for effect. And held his words. Just staring at me. Dan was listening now too.

“They call Satan the great deceiver.”

Then the three of us prayed for the strength resist temptation and deception, and to remain strong in our faith.